From Struggle to Strength: How Soul Recovery Healed My Marriage
For so many years, I thought love meant control. I thought if I could just say the right thing, offer the right advice, or set the right boundaries, then I could somehow fix my marriage. If only he would change, if only he would see what I saw, then everything would be okay. But that way of thinking nearly broke us.
Rich and I have been together for 32 years, married for 30. We’ve walked through addiction—both our own and that of our children. We’ve faced betrayal, dishonesty, resentment, and years of miscommunication. There were times when it felt easier to check out than to stay engaged, times when the idea of staying together felt heavier than the thought of letting go. And yet, here we are, sitting across from each other, sharing morning coffee, more in love and more at peace than I ever imagined possible.
I get asked all the time: How did you stay? How did your marriage survive addiction, relapse, and all the pain that came with it? My answer is simple, but not easy: Soul Recovery.
The Shift from Fixing to Healing
For years, I focused on Rich’s drinking, on his choices, on his behavior. I wanted him to see what I saw. I wanted him to fix it, to change, to do the work my way. But the moment I turned my focus inward, everything changed. When I stopped trying to control him and started working on myself, something unexpected happened: the energy in our marriage shifted.
Soul Recovery taught me that true healing isn’t about getting someone else to change—it’s about healing yourself. It’s about letting go of control, detaching with love, and choosing peace whether or not anyone else chooses it too. But healing a marriage is not a solo act—it requires both people to be willing to grow, learn, and show up for themselves and for each other. I could do my own Soul Recovery work, but for our relationship to thrive, Rich also had to be committed to his own journey.
Building Safety Instead of Demanding Trust
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in this marriage is the difference between trust and safety. Trust often comes with expectations—I trust you to do what I want so I can feel secure. But safety is different. Safety is about knowing you can be vulnerable, that you can show up as your whole, flawed, growing self and be met with love instead of judgment.
We didn’t always have that. In the past, our communication was filled with subtle manipulations, unmet expectations, and words left unsaid. But when we both started doing the work—Rich in his own way, and me in mine—we built a foundation where we could finally be real with each other. We could finally say, I don’t feel safe in this moment without it turning into a fight. We could finally listen instead of react.
But I want to be clear: not every relationship is meant to last. Staying isn’t always the answer. What matters most is whether both people are willing to learn from the difficulties, take responsibility for their healing, and commit to growing into the best version of themselves. If both people are willing to do the work, a relationship has the potential to transform. But if one person is unwilling, the healthiest choice may be to let go with love.
The Power of Presence
Sobriety didn’t solve all our problems. Life is still life. We still face challenges—aging parents, health concerns, parenting our adult children, financial stress. The difference now is that we don’t run from it. We don’t numb it away with alcohol. We face it together, with presence.
And presence changes everything.
There was a moment, not long ago, when I came home from an emotionally heavy trip. In the past, I might have carried all my stress into our relationship, expecting Rich to fix it or getting frustrated if he didn’t react the way I wanted. But this time was different. He simply received me. He listened, without fixing. He held space, without judgment. And I realized in that moment that this—this—is the marriage I always wanted. Not one without challenges, but one where we meet those challenges with love instead of fear.
A Marriage Built on Soul Recovery
Rich and I have built something we call an oasis—not a perfect life, but a peaceful one. A place where we can come home to ourselves and each other, even when life is messy.
If you’re struggling in your own marriage, if you feel stuck in patterns of control, resentment, or fear, I want you to know that healing is possible. But it starts with you. You don’t have to wait for them to change. You don’t have to wait for things to get better before you find peace.
But also know this: a healthy relationship takes two people willing to show up, to do the work, and to commit to their own healing. If both partners are invested in their individual growth and in nurturing the relationship, transformation is possible. If not, sometimes the most loving choice is to release what no longer serves your soul.
Soul Recovery is about reclaiming your own joy, your own worth, your own sense of self. And when you do that, everything else shifts—your relationships, your family, and most importantly, the way you love yourself.
If this speaks to you, if you’re ready to do the work, I invite you to step into your own Soul Recovery journey. You are not alone. And there is so much love and healing waiting for you. 💜
This blog post is inspired by the podcast episode: From Struggle to Strength: How Two Recovered Alcoholics Built a Safe Partnership through Soul Recovery
For more on Soul Recovery and the 9-Step Soul Recovery Process- listen to the Recover Your Soul Podcast on all streaming platforms or the website. https://www.recoveryoursoul.net/podcast
"Together we can do the work that will Recover Your Soul." Rev Rachel
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